New Year, New Beginnings?

It's that time again- the goodbye to an old year and the eager welcoming and anticipation of a new year. 


This year's looking to be a good one. It's time to (finally) graduate, go to college, and begin the next stage of life. After the petty drama and shifting friendships, the tragedy, and the sadness of 2011, it's time. But it's also not time after the many wonderful memories the year has offered. 


I come to this point every year, as do many other people: there's so many things to wish for and look forward to, but sometimes we don't even see what was there. I've had a great year. I've had a sad year. They all add into making an enriching experience. I don't want to regret this year... I'm sure one day I will look back and see the good accomplished this year. The dying friendships and personal pain can't destroy good memories. There's so many good things that have happened and so many bad things that are in the past. 


2012 offers me a new beginning. I've never had the chance to completely start over... I'm beyond nervous of what's on the way. Life is moving on... the roller coaster is picking up momentum. I'm ready for the ride and can't wait to see how the chips will fall and everything will wind up. 


Happy New Year everyone, and many more!

Religion?

Time for another one of my fun rants... I am so sick and tired of people shoveling religion on me. I'm not religious and honestly never have been. 


I believe in God. I just don't feel like I belong to any church/creed. I've been to several evangelical churches over the years, and it always felt like I was chased out with a broomstick and pitchforks. I made friends who then turned on me and treated me like a subhuman for some reason. I've come to discover that people at a church are pretty much some of the fakest, most hurtful people you'll ever meet. It just doesn't make sense. 


If I dare to question religion, or even God, my friends give me crap about it and act like I'm a horrible person. I can't help that I wonder about these things. My family is religious, but they are also some of the most judgmental, cliquish people I know. I love them, but it's true. There's ALWAYS drama of some sort and they judge everyone different than them. 


I've found that churchgoers are all pretty much like that. The thing is, I can't even talk to my parents about it. If I even mention it, I'm evil and need to go to church more. This vicious cycle has made me anticipate leaving the co-op and not having to go, except on Christmas and Easter. I just feel like there's so many more things to do in life than sit in church and be judged. 


The clock is ticking... I'm so tired of these cliquey church people. But, I'm still hoping to be proven wrong about them and actually find a friend at a church who doesn't keep tabs and judge. 


Until next time....

It's Been a While

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. I honestly don't have time to keep it up and I know no one reads it... so... here's a rant. It may be the last on here, it may now. I'm keeping my options open. 


I've had it. I've had it with high school. I've had it with some of my friends. I've had it with drama. I've had it with misery. I've had it with people pushing the wrong things and not taking my subtle hints. I'm tired of not being loved by my friends. Or being truly cared about. I'm tired of aching. I'm  tired of hurting. 


Don't know when things will get better. All I/we/humanity can do is hope. Life feels like a long twisted road. I'm at the beginning but the fog ahead is killing me. 


I know what I have planned. I know what I want to do. The waiting to see my plans and dreams come to fruition is painful. I want to know. I want someone to freaking care. I want my friends back and I want some true friends. Some true connections. I feel broken and have felt broken for a long time. 


2011 has not been the best year. I've struggled. I've had friends die. I've had people move on. It's been a long haul. My hope is the next will be better. It can only go up. 


Until next time... or never. 
Eric. 

Do You Want to Know How I feel?

Yes. I realize it's been a REALLY long time since I've posted. A lot has been going on and I haven't had time to post. Here's my decompression on a really hard, trying time.


I'm hurt. I'm damaged. I feel alone. It's not just because of a bad breakup. It's not even because the one girl who's liked me in recent history has gone her way. It's not even for one singular reason. It's manly because I am alone most of the time. I don't have one singular best friend. I have many friends. But, I don't have one singular person I can confide everything in and be around all the time. My closest friend (and best friend, don't get me wrong) goes to another school. I'm glad that friend is happy. Their happiness means the world to me. It's just hard to be an an opposite school of your best friend. I don't have someone to go to during the day if I have a problem. If I go to my closer friends at school, I get shot down. They don't tell me anything and if I DARE to say the wrong thing, woe unto me. It's beyond frustrating.


More on the friend subject. If I tell you stuff, I expect to be told stuff. If I trust you, trust me. My closest friends at school don't do that. I tell them almost EVERYTHING. I get told NOTHING. If anything happens to them, I'm the last to find out. I know nothing about them anymore. I think friendship is a delicate line of trust and respect. I feel none of it. We are all in completely separate places, which is always hard. I don't know what to do.


With the failed relationship- Yes. It sucks. It happened. I'm mainly hurt because of the way it ended. You don't end things over a text. It's not classy. You also don't continue to trash me on a blog you KNOW I follow. Treat me with respect. I was the one who was hurt, not you. I can't help things went the way they did.


I feel no one to turn to. No one to hide in. I have so many friends it feels empty sometimes. I can't always spill to the same person. It winds up being that way because NO ONE else understands. I'm here hoping that someone comes along. Someone that gets me and that I can trust. 


I don't have time to finish everything I need to say. 


In the meantime, I'll hang in here. Here goes life. Let the roller coaster commence again.

Struggling.

So, this year really has been a haul. It's been a series of unfortunate events. It's been rough. It's been challenging. But, this year has also been fantastic. This year has given me so many good memories. It's been the best of times, and the worst of times... like a freaking Dickens novel.


I know it has been a while since I have written. I'm pretty sure that no one reads this anyways. But, why would that stop me from writing? I make my own rules. So, I am still going to write and vent, and speak my mind.


Recently, it's been a rough haul. I have no one to really talk to about what's going on. Almost all of my best friends are too busy for me. My family... well... they're not the easiest people on the planet to talk to. They judge, they criticize. I know, family loves you. Still, it isn't always easy having every little move examined under a microscope. 


On the friends note: I don't get it. I don't understand how you could be too busy to nurture your friendship. I'm always busy, but I can still make time for my friends. I expect the same to be done for me. If i am always trying to renew our vows of friendship, and trying to see what's going on... MAKE AN EFFORT to spend time with ME. It really hurts how my friends pretty much do not care. It was one friend, and now it's multiple. I'm starting to wonder if I am just a toxic friend that no one wants to have around... not a pleasant thought. I would like to think that people somewhat care about me, but some days, I wonder.


Family: the worlds worst critics. Seriously. If I am talking to you about colleges, don't criticize every single one. I know they are expensive. Everything is. I don't know exactly what i want to do, but I DO want to get out of the South. GET ME OUT. You may LOVE it, but I really do not think that it's for me. Also, if I did not ask for your opinion on my colleges, shut your pie hole. I have enough stress already. I do not need to hear all of your commentary, and you telling me what to do with my life, and telling me what i do wrong. I am SICK and TIRED of it. Family is supposed to support you, not tear you down. Please just try to understand that I want a good college. None of you went. Don't hate on me because the world has changed.


Life: I am so excited to see what is to come. I seriously can not wait. But, I am also not ready to move on. I enjoy my life. I enjoy what I have now. I just want to know what the future holds. I want to have the best of both. I don't want to feel sad, angry, frustrated, nervous, anxious, or too enthralled with the future all of the time. I don't want to feel the aforementioned emotions for no reason. I want to just be happy.


That's all for now people. I will be back soon. Have a Happy Holiday Season! -Eric.

Single or Not?

Me and one of my friends recently had a discussion on whether to be single or not is better in highschool. Every week it seems like someone else is getting into a relationship and we were trying to figure out if that was the right thing to do or not. 




Some people get into relationships for security. They like having something holding them down. Some people do it out of pressure. Some do it just to say that they do. 


Having someone high school might not be the best idea. You are supposed to live it up, because you only have one shot at it. Why would you want the stress and drama of it? Sometimes there is an expectation to have one. Whatever the case, you should wait. It really depends on the person. But once again, don't ask someone why they are single. It may be by their choice or they can't find someone.

How to Save a Friendship? When a Friendship Starts to Die...

I have heard it said that friendships are like stars: the brightest ones burn out the fastest. One of mine is on life support at the moment, and it was one of the brightest friendships I have ever had. There were people at school who asked about it. It happened quickly, and sadly, is dying slowly and painfully. Being strapped on life support is not good for the friendship. It needs to die or come back to life. This is my statement about it. I do not know what the other party thinks or feels, but I have a feeling I will never know.

Right now, I have a friendship that I personally believe is on its’ last leg. My friend got a boyfriend a few months ago, and since then we have moved apart. We used to be as close as thieves. Now, we barely talk to each other. All she ever goes is spend time with her boyfriend. When I mentioned that we should go for dinner and catch up, she was like, oh that sounds fun! Little did I know that she would tell the boyfriend. He texted me and got all territorial. He said that his girlfriend should not go to dinner with another guy. After a few hours of going back and forth, he said that she asked him to go on the attack. Apparently, I stress her out and make her nervous. It was her idea to attack me. This got me thinking.

I personally believe that when you are friends with someone, you are in it for the long haul. If you are going to commit to being best friends with someone, it is not a one year fling. It is not something that you can throw away after a short amount of time. The aforementioned friend does not think that apparently. You don’t need to spend time with a friend! Who needs one on one conversations? This friend and I have been distant for about 5 months. We didn’t talk for a while, and we had just started patching up when she got distant again. I thought that her boyfriend was pulling her away. I confronted him one night about it, and he said that it was her decision ultimately.

What kind of friend lets a friendship die and ignores and shoves off the other friends efforts to salvage the relationship. Who does that? You should not treat best friendships like a dirty rag. This person and I hung out all last summer. We did everything together. We went out to dinner, we hung out. We got along very well. I thought that we were super close. Then, the glue started separating. We spent less and less time together, and now when I want to spend some more time together, she does not want to spend that time. All she wants to do is hang with her boyfriend, away from all life and activity. And then she had the nerve not to tell me that she didn’t want to do anything. She did not have the guts or common courtesy to tell me. Now I am left alone looking at the apparent ruins of a once mighty friendship.

A friend is a person that you invest time and energy in, and a person that you have lots of time getting to know, and continuing to get to know. What you put in, you get out. You have to work really hard to grow a friendship. But, that hard work will give you a fantastic friendship. When you don’t work on a friendship, it withers away and goes the way of the dinosaurs. This friends boyfriend denied this tonight, but he is wrong. This friendship is an example of that. If me and the friend had spent more time and energy over the past few months, we would be closer now. But, with no care, the friendship is on life support. Time will tell what will happen, but for now, that person is getting deleted out of the favorite list on my iPhone. No conversation leads to destruction. When you are friends with someone, you should not give up when the going gets tough. The tough should get going and keep the friendship alive. Friends are an investment. Treat them with care. If you don’t, one day you will wake up alone with no one there for you because you were not that for them. At the end of another failed or failing relationship, you will see that the hard work needs to be on both ends. If it is not, the friendship, whether real or not, will begin to die.

Confusion

Where do you want to go to college? What do you want to do? What job do you want? Where do you want to live? Are you single? Taken? What's up? What are your grades? Why aren't you doing better? Why did you do that? Why are you upset? Why, Why, Why, Why Why??

Over the past few weeks, par to course, I have been asked a gazillion questions. People ask about every small detail of my life. Personally, I do not know what is so freaking interesting... I'm not that exciting... there is not that much exciting stuff going on right now. i don't have the new car, big trip coming up, the girlfriend, the amazing grades, the amazing perfect days. True, I will keep things interesting, but my life really can't be that interesting. Sure, I have my daily mean comments about a certain few people, and sure, I can be a walking disaster, but why do I warent so much attention?

I really appreciate that people care so much... don't get me wrong. I just don't see why they are so interested. I do not really know what I want my whole life to be right now. I guess you are supposed to know these things at the end of your sophomore year of high school? I'm glad that people care so much about what I do, but is it really that fascinating? I am confused on what exactly I want at the moment. Sure, I have my small goals, but something feels out of place. Something is not right. Beats me what it is. When i find out what is missing, I am going to go out and find it! I can be happy, but I want to be happier. I want to be better. I want to be the best. When I find the magic key, I will let everyone know. Until next time, what is the key?

Prom, Frustration, Venting.

Oh Prom... that annual tradition that can make any person not going, or not asked like a social miscreant. The thing that shows you the wants and the want-nots. The thing that shows you where you fall on the takeable pecking order. It's the best of times, and the worst of times.


This year, there has been more drama with my schools prom than I can remember. People fighting over who they are taking, where they are going, who someone else is going with, what group that they are going with... bla bla bla. It's getting kind of old.


I personally wanted to go. I still do. I have tons of senior friends that I want to spend some more time with, and prom is one of those things that you get to do once in your lifetime. I wanted to see and be seen. Yes, I do have that shallow vain side to me:). It kills me that these obnoxious immature freaks are going with perfectly decent people and I don't get to go. I asked my butt off. I went around to countless people and asked. I tried my hardest, but I guess I was not good enough to go. I asked some people who said they were going with friends, but then 3 weeks later, they are going with this other guy. Hmm... lies much? 


I probably have blogged on this already, so bite me. This subject has been driving me nuts for a while. I still can not wrap my head around why I am never good enough for anyone. I have tried for YEARS to be good enough, but I always fall short. I am never up to par. I am never what someone wants. I have tons of friends, but I have had one person in the past 5 years that has liked me for more than a friend. I don't really care about having a relationship right now, as they are a boatload of stress, and I don't really want to add on any stress right now. But I do want the market interested in me. I want some buyers to look at me. I am not some ghetto real estate in da hood. I am myers park. I am the peninsula. I am the harbor. I am the gated community. I am the million dollar penthouse. Can someone come look? Can someone show interest. I know that I have my whole life out in front of me, which is good. I am just tiring of people asking if there is anyone in my life. Not these is not. Sorry to disappoint. My younger brother gets more action than I do. Pathetic.. yes. I take satisfaction in some things that I will not mention, to avoid sounding self indulgent. But I will say this. I am sick and tired of every single person treating me like I am somewhat inferior because I have no girlfriend or prospects in sight. I am party to blame I guess. Who knows what my turnoff is. But I will also say this. My school is as small as a speck of dust. There is one group of people that dates. There is no one that is my type, whatever that is, at my school. It's just not a good fit. I guess its bad that I cant make it fit for now. 


When I do find someone that really catches my interest at my school, people will know. If someone ever shows interest in me, I will let people know, as that will me a very... momentous occasion. Until someone looks and likes, wipe the look of shock off of your freaking faces and cut me a little slack. Thanks.

The Next Adventure.

Over the past year and a half, there has always been a new adventure on the horizon. But, now there is nothing on the horizon. It feels weird, having nothing huge to look forward to. Sure there are the little things coming up, but nothing huge.


Life is made up of adventures big and small. There are the grand adventures, and the daily ones that last maybe 30 seconds. Each new friendship, each new trip, each new experience adds up to the big adventure. All of the smaller adventures add up to the big one.


I just got back from Spain yesterday, and during this trip, I had the chance to become friends with some deaf kids from California. They were really cool, and tought me a lot about sign language, and people in general. They make things work. They don't let one thing hold them back. I find that very admirable.

Right now, I am waiting for my next adventure. I have been home for 48 hours, and I am ready for the next big thing. I am a restless person, and like to be on the move. It's weird not having much to look forward to, and I am ready to be ready for something again. Until next time, and the next adventure.... here's waiting!